


Pandemic

by Whisniak



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:08:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whisniak/pseuds/Whisniak
Summary: A spec script I wrote for a writing contest. How the cast deals with the pandemic.
Kudos: 10





	Pandemic

**EXT. FRONT DOOR -NIGHT**

A pizza delivery boy is seen coming to the door, ringing the doorbell, leaves the pizza at the door and leaves. Guillermo opens the door and looks around.

GUILLERMO 

Goddammit! 

**INT. GUILLERMO SOLO INTERVIEW**

GUILLERMO 

With social distancing being in place, I’ve had some difficulties with getting victims into the house. As a result my master has been...well I’d call it hangry. 

**INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT**

Nandor is pacing aggressively around the room.

NANDOR

Guilermo! Get over here!

Guillermo enters

GUILLERMO 

What is it master? 

NANDOR

Fuck you Guillermo! 

**OPEN SEQUENCE PLAYS**

**INT. LAZLO SOLO INTERVIEW**

LAZLO

Of course this isn’t the first plague I’ve lived through. 

A painting of “The Mask of the Red Death” is shown.

LAZLO (cont.)

I remember we used to throw the most magnificent parties. Of course the parties were to celebrate that we were not sick and dying.

Shows Lazlo again and then the camera pans to show Nadja next to him.

Nadja 

It was horrible. Everyone was sick and coughing everywhere. It stank. And diseased blood has the absolute worst aftertaste. 

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON SOLO INTERVIEW**

COLIN ROBINSON

My office recently moved everyone to work from home.

Shows Colin Robinson at his computer on a zoom call he is droning on and on about something. 

COLIN ROBINSON (cont.)

At first I was able to feed during Zoom calls but my coworkers started muting me. 

Shows Colin Robinson still droning on realizes he is muted and looks disgruntled.

  
  


**INT. NANDOR SOLO INTERVIEW**

NANDOR 

I don’t understand what everyone is making such a big deal about. Illness is completely psychological. When I was alive I never got sick even once, no one I knew even back in my home country did either. -brief pause- People would be there one day and dead the next, but never sick. 

**EXT. FRONT DOOR -DAY**

Guillermo is digging a hole outside of the front door.

GUILLERMO 

So I figured out a new method. I’m making a pitfall so that when the delivery people drop off the food they’ll fall in. It also works for package and mail delivery. 

**EXT. FRONT DOOR- NIGHT**

A delivery person is shown walking up and then falling into the pitfall. Guillermo opens the door, looks at the camera and mouths “It worked” 

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON SOLO INTERVIEW**

COLIN ROBINSIN

I figured out a new strategy for feeding during these trying times.

Colin Robinson is shown on the phone.

COLIN ROBINSON (cont.) 

I’ve been calling every local business and asking as many questions I can think of.

COLIN ROBINSON (ON PHONE)

Hi, are you open? (pause) Great, what are your hours? (pause) Sorry could you repeat that? (pause) Okie dokie, what do you guys have in stock right now? (pause) So do you sell laptops? (pause) what about cameras? (pause) Oh, all electronics? Amazing, how about accessories? (pause)Well, do you sell any accessories for a Xerox 914? Any at all, I’m repurposing one to sell on ebay. (pause)

Colin Robinson turns to camera

COLIN ROBINSON (TO CAMERA)

They put me on a brief hold. I’m going to try the Whole Foods down the block.

  
  


**INT. GUILLERMO SOLO INTERVIEW**

GUILLERMO 

My master has had some...difficulties with some of the new rules put in place

**EXT. GROCERY STORE ENTRANCE -NIGHT**

Nandor and Guillermo are arguing with a front door attendant. Guillermo and the attendant are wearing face masks. Nandor is not wearing a mask. 

NANDOR

Just let us in! 

ATTENDANT 

Sir I’m sorry, I cannot let you in without a mask. 

NANDOR

This is ridiculous! All of this is phooey anyway.

GUILLERMO 

Master, I brought an extra mask for you. If you just put in on-

He is cut off.

NANDOR

No Guillermo! This is about principle! 

Colin Robinson walks into frame. 

COLIN ROBINSON

Sir my friend here has a medical condition. 

ATTENDANT 

There’s no exceptions. 

NANDOR

I don’t have-

He is cut off.

COLIN ROBINSON

Wearing a mask could cause this man to die.

ATTENDANT 

Then wouldn’t it make more sense for one of you two to go in and get whatever he needs for him?

COLIN ROBINSON

His medical condition also requires him to have to go to stores himself. 

ATTENDANT 

That doesn’t even make sense.

COLIN ROBINSON

Can I speak to your manager?

The attendant is starting to get worn down. He pulls out a radio.

ATTENDANT (ON RADIO)

Can I get a manager? 

He looks over at Colin Robinson. Colin Robinson is grinning maniacally. Nador and Guillermo look at each other. They all stare at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time. Eventually a manager comes out.

MANAGER 

What seems to be the problem? 

ATTENDANT

This guy wants to come in without a mask. Says he has a medical condition.

MANAGER

Couldn’t one of his friends go in for him.

COLIN ROBINSON

Part of his condition is he has to go into stores himself.

MANAGER 

Is it a psychological condition? 

COLIN ROBINSON

No physical. 

Cut to 

**INT- STORE- NIGHT**

NANDOR

I can’t believe I’m saying this but thank you Colin Robinson. 

Colin Robinson’s eyes are glowing. He is grinning. Pan back over to outside the store. The attendant and manager are slumped over unconscious. 

GUILLERMO 

So are they dead or?

COLIN ROBINSON

Nah. They’ll be fine in a day or so. 

They make their way to the register. 

CASHIER 

You’re supposed to wear a mask.

Colin Robinson grins manically. 

**INT. -NADJA SOLO INTERVIEW**

NADJA 

There’s been a ban on gatherings larger than 5 people. So I have been stuck in this utter sausage fest! 

Camera pans over to Doll Nadja 

DOLL NADJA

I’m here too!

NADJA 

Yeah but you’re me. 

**INT. LIVING ROOM -NIGHT**

Nadja is pacing aggressively. Nador and Lazlo are sitting and Guillermo is dusting. 

NADJA

I can’t stand this! I’m so bored! I want to go out! I want to go to parties!

LAZLO 

Relax darling! The talking box said we only have two more weeks of quarantine. 

NANDOR

I’m with Nadja. This is stupid. 

Colin Robinson enters. 

COLIN ROBINSON

Bad news gang. The quarantine has been extended another 6 months.

Nadja and Nandor look exacerbated. 

**EXT. LAZLO’S GARDEN -NIGHT**

LAZLO

I’ve been taking solace in my gardening. 

Shaun peeks over the wall.

SHAUN 

Hey neighbor! Good to see ya! You know with all this crazy stuff going on it’s nice to have some human interaction outside of my household.

LAZLO 

Yes, human. 

SHAUN

What was that Laz?

LAZLO

Nothing! 

Lazlo waves hand. 

LAZLO

You will remember nothing, Shaun. Now go inside.

Shaun goes inside.

**INT. - GUILLERMO SOLO INTERVIEW**

GUILLERMO 

The Mosquito Collectors have been having remote meetings.

Flash to Guillermo on a computer on a Zoom meeting. 

CLAUDE 

I’m glad you all could make this remote meeting. Ok so I did notice there’s been a lot of delivery people disappearing on their shifts. I think that might be how the vampires are hunting during social distancing. Unfortunately there’s not really much we can as preventative measures?

TONYA 

We could order so much takeout that the vampires aren’t able to order! 

CLAUDE

Love the enthusiasm. Might wanna workshop that a bit. Any other ideas? 

SHARICE 

We could hack into the delivery apps and shut them down!

CLAUDE

Great idea! Does anyone here know how to do that? 

There is an awkward silence. 

CLAUDE

Ok… Umm Guillermo you’ve been pretty quiet. Do you have any ideas?

GUILLERMO 

No… sorry I’m not really an idea guy.

CLAUDE

Ah ok. Umm I guess we’re done then. Same time next week?

There is a chorus of good byes and log off sounds. 

  
  


**INT- Library -night**

NANDOR

Come in! Come in! 

The room has a spread of various foods and drinks laid out. Guillermo is still placing stuff down. 

LAZLO

With just wanted to give a little thank you to the reduced film crew. Steve and Greg! 

NADJA 

Steve and Greg have been staying in Guillermo’s room during all this. 

Shows a shot of Guillermo’s room with two cots crammed into it. 

GUILLERMO 

It’s been a bit..cramped. But Steve and Greg have been great roomies. 

“STEVE” (OFF CAMERA)

Yeah… my name’s actually Phil and his name is Carlos. 

Pans over to Carlos, the sound guy. 

CARLOS

Yeah… I don’t know where they got Steve and Greg from? 

PHIL

It hasn’t beem too bad though. Production’s paying us triple so. 

CARLOS

And neither of us have like families or girlfriends or anything.

The vampires look over at the camera, hugerly. 

PHIL

We’re not virgins though.

CARLOS

Oh yeah we’ve had tons of sex before.

PHIL

Loads. 

**EXT. - FRONT DOOR- DAY**

Guillermo is cleaning out the pit. 

GUILLERMO 

They’ve been feeding directly in the pit. I was kind of expecting them to you know take them inside and then. 

He mimics vampire feeding. 

GUILLERMO

I guess they prefer eating outside..whatever..

He drags another body out. 

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON ROOM- NIGHT**

Colin Robinson is talking on the phone.

COLIN ROBINSON

Hi there, I was wondering if you had any baseball gloves? (pause)Well can you go check? (long pause, store announcements in background)Okay, great. Five? Okay. What prices? Yeah, I’ll wait. (another long pause) Okay, great. I’ll be in for all of them later. 

He turns to the camera 

COLIN ROBINSON

I’m going to come in right before close to pick them up.

**EXT. GOOD WILL -NIGHT**

Colin Robinson is standing in a line to get into Good Will.

  
  


COLIN ROBINSON

You know, the Spanish 

Flu lasted over two years and killed at least 20,000 people. 

The crowd groans. 

COLIN ROBINSON

I’m here for baseball gloves. What’s everyone else here for?

The crowd ignores him. 

**COLIN ROBINSON**

You know the Spanish Flu didn’t actually come from Spain. It’s a very common misconception. In reality it actually came from North America. It’s believed to have been spread by birds. Oh! Line’s moving! They didn’t actually have a vaccine for Spanish flu but it went away anyway. I would say that this proves that vaccines are unnecessary and probably cause autism. 

**LADY IN LINE**

That’s actually completely untrue and the doctor that came up with that theory was discredited. 

**COLIN ROBINSON**

Well according to Gwenyth Paltro’s website vaccines do in fact cause autism. 

**INT. COLIN ROBINSON SOLO INTERVIEW**

**COLIN ROBINSON**

Ironically Gwynth Paltrow’s psychic vampire repellent does in fact work.

Show image of the GOOP store’s psychic vampire repellent. It is in fact real and sold out apparently. I wonder if it works. It cost $30 USD. 

**EXT. GOOD WILL - NIGHT**

Colin Robinson is in front of the line talking the door attendants ear off. 

COLIN ROBINSON

And that’s how I think this pandemic will resolve itself.

ATTENDANT 

Interesting...oh look your turn to go in! 

  
  


He goes in and it goes to.

**INT. GOOD WILL -NIGHT**

Colin Robinson turns to camera. 

COLIN ROBINSON

I like going to stores ten minutes before closing and I stay as long as possible after closing. 

Colin Robinson goes to an employee 

COLIN ROBINSON

Hello! I’m the one who inquired about the baseball gloves. 

EMPLOYEE

Oh… Right. 

The employee leads Colin Robinson over to the baseball gloves. The employee walks away as he goes through the gloves. 

COLIN ROBINSON

Excuse me! Excuse me!

The employee walks back over reluctantly. 

EMPLOYEE

What seems to be the problem, sir? 

COLIN ROBINSON

This glove is left handed. I need right handed gloves. 

EMPLOYEE

Sir, literally all the other gloves are right handed. 

COLIN ROBINSON

I like this one. Do you have anymore that look like this one but are right handed? 

EMPLOYEE

No. 

COLIN ROBINSON

Well, could you check in the back? 

The employee sighs and walks to the back. Another employee comes up to Colin Robinson. 

OTHER EMPLOYEE 

Hey sir! Just a heads up we actually close in about 5 minutes. So I can go ring you up if you wanna just follow me.

  
  


COLIN ROBINSON

Oh, no thank you, I’m waiting for your coworker to come back. I wanted to know if you had anymore of these gloves in the back. You know, baseball gloves were invented in eighteen seventy-five and worn by St. Louis outfielder Charlie Waitt, but it’s rumored that one was first used in eighteen seventy by Doug Allen, a catcher for the Cincinnati Red Stockings. 

Cashier returns to front barehanded 

CASHIER(exacerbated) 

I found one glove. 

COLIN ROBINSON

This is a left handed glove. It’s fine, I’ll take the others, just hold them for me I’m still browsing. 

goes on to move clothes and shoes to other sections, talk to other last minute shoppers and is the last person in line, 10 minutes after close. Spends five more minutes talking to the cashiers about baseball.

COLIN ROBINSON

Well, what’s the damage? 

CASHIER 

Sixteen thirty-one. 

COLIN ROBINSON

I forgot my wallet at home, I’ll be back tomorrow. 

Slowly browses the glass case near the exit. It is now 20 minutes past close. 

  
  


**INT. HOUSE GUILLERMO SOLO INTERVIEW**

GUILLERMO

I found this small group of people protesting wearing a mask and they’re going to march a block away from the house. I figure I can lead them to the house and just trap them in the basement closet...hopefully Colin Robinson doesn’t get to them before my master and the others. 

(Guillermo is successful, trapping 8 mask protestors) 

  
  


**INT. BASEMENT -NIGHT**

Guillermo is showing Nandor the anti-maskers.

NANDOR

Good work, Guillermo. I just wish more of them were virgins. 

  
  


Guillermo looks directly at the camera with a sullen gaze and shrugs. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  



End file.
